How Church Breeds Abuse - Jay Younts
There are, sadly, many forms of abuse. In this post, I will just address two: parental abuse and spousal abuse. These two forms of abuse are tightly connected. They both thrive in the one place that was designed to be a refuge for the abused — the church. This is a bitter, sinful, and devastating irony. The community that God designed to be a place of safety and refuge is, for untold thousands, a community of fear and shame.
In Matthew 11, Jesus offers comfort and rest for the oppressed. But, too often, the church is a counterfeit that breeds fear and shame. If we would take the time to look beyond the veneer of the Sunday morning holiness, we would see the ugly reality of a community that spawns parental and spousal abuse. I could quote statistics, but statistics are not people and they allow us to ignore the abuse that is happening right before our eyes.
How and why is this happening?
A precise definition of abuse is a good place to start. The first two definitions for abuse in the American Heritage Dictionary are:
1. To use improperly or excessively; misuse:
2. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use:
To Use Improperly
The biblical purpose of authority is to protect, build up, and nourish. (for example: 2 Corinthians 13:10; Ephesians 5:26-6:4) This a good thing! However, when authority is used for any other purpose, it is used improperly and abuse thrives. Wives, mothers, and children are made to see themselves as servants and saviors, not as treasured gifts to be nurtured and valued. When they fail to be the servant or savior to those in authority, demand, manipulation, guilt, and power are used to force them back into submission.
To Hurt or Injure
Failing to be an adequate servant or savior to parents or husbands becomes justification for injury. Those who are abused; wives, mothers, and children are made to believe the pain they feel is brought on by their failure. If they would act ”in a godly manner,” things would be fine. Of course, it is the abuser who is the arbiter of what is godly. This injury may be verbal or physical in nature. The abused are told they are disobeying God. They are told that if they would just obey, the pain and injury will stop. But this lust for power is never satisfied. (Ephesians 4:19) The abuse only grows in subtlety and intensity.
The most horrific, destructive form of this abuse occurs when wives, mothers, and children actually come to believe that, in some way, the abuse is justified. They actually believe that they have failed to be obedient servants and saviors. They believe they have failed God by not being the servant and savior that their abuser demands them to be.
Abuse often begins with a critical, complaining spirit. Instead of being committed to helping those under their care grow and experience the healing power of the gospel, anger and frustration fester within. Each abuser grows his own individualized culture of legalistic abuse.
Both men and women can be parental abusers. The vast majority of spousal abusers are men. But it is the responsibility of the leadership in our churches to identify and confront abuse by looking beneath the veneer of Sunday morning civility and outward praise. Sunday morning is not a good time to assess the character and health of a family. Abusers are experts at hiding their secret world under a cloud of outward compliance.
How can we begin to expose and prevent the abuse? The best way to expose abuse is to contrast it with what authentic, loving, selfless, biblical authority looks like. When biblical authority is taught and modeled properly, abusive pretenders can be easily recognized, exposed, and held accountable. Authority that is not gentle, nourishing, protective, humble, loving, and overflowing with repentance is abusive authority. Loving authority must be modeled at home by parents and husbands in order to impress God’s ways into the hearts of the family. While no parent or husband will be perfect, the qualities just mentioned should always be the direction of the home and should vividly mark the character of those in authority.
I have much more to write about parental and spousal abuse. But if you see yourself as defined by being the servant and savior to someone, then you are not experiencing the authority that is consistent with the Bible’s vision for authority. It is the abuser’s oppressive view of authority that is a cancerous growth metastasizing in our churches. By twisting the beauty of God’s design, the church becomes the breeding ground for abuse. This happens because observers at church only see the outward appearance and miss the dark heart of abuse.
I confess to having a deep heaviness in writing these words. It is not because I doubt the truth of what I am saying. It is because abuse is so pervasive that there seems to be no safe place for the abused to turn. This is what I want to continue writing about. We must look beyond the veneer of Sunday morning holiness. Isaiah 29:13 We must not allow even the subtlest forms of abuse to exist, or else it will grow into ugly tyranny.
As churches, we must be what Christ has called us to be. We must become communities of refuge and hope.